Kelly’s blog

if you had asked me 5 years ago if i would ever thinking about converting to judaism i would have given you a resounding "no."  it wasn't even on my radar. 

i grew up in the church. my father started taking me when i was in 3rd grade. when i was in 6th grade i started youth group and became friends with some of the most wonderful people i've ever met. they were my friends throughout middle and high school and i keep in touch with a few of them here and there even today.  i absolutely loved church. not just because it's where my friends were but because i learned so much about faith. 

i loved it mostly because it was my refuge in the storm.  i am incest survivor. i posted that before. my father was my abuser.  had i not spoken up no one would have known.  he was such a different person in public. he dilligently took his daughter to church every sunday and he was so personable. everyone loved him.  at home he was pretty cold and quiet. 

i spoke up the summer after my freshman year in high school. and, while it stopped the abuse, it didn't stop the emotional efffects. my mother was torn. i can't imagine that, especially now that i have children. that'd be it for me. i'd kick him out faster than lightning. but not her. she didn't want the family broken up. so, he was put on probation and made to go to counseling for a year (which was worthless because i don't think he really thought he had done anything wrong). and me? i still lived at home and life still went on. if i talked about it at home i was told that it was in the past and to move on. fucked up. just fucked up.

so, i went to my pastor. he led the youth group and he was absolutely wonderful. he affirmed my need to talk.  we had a pastoral counselor on staff at the time and ken set me up with her. and then, with the support of the church behind me and with ken by my side we approached my parents and encouraged my dad to take some responsibility for what had happened and my need for help by paying for my sessions. which he agreed to and then promptly didn't do. cause that's the kind of stand up guy he is.

regardless, the church was there for me when my family really wasn't. and for that i'll always be indebted.

so, i went on to college and i kept in touch with my church family.  i went to church regularly (i lived at home during my college years) and volunteered with the youth group. in my sophmore year of college i went to Exploration 90 - a symposium held by the Methodist Church for people interested in going into the ministry. i left there feeling as if i had a call to minister. even more so, i left there feeling that the church had an obligation to make the world a better place. 

i graduated, went straight to seminary and truly experienced some of the best years of my life. i got into the urban ministry track in the hopes that i could stay in baltimore or dc. i graduated, was accepted by the conference, ordained as a deacon and promptly sent out into the sticks.  literally. 

i was appointed to two churches where i learned a lot. i learned i could preach and speak in public. i learned i could be diplomatic. and i learned more about my faith.  i also learned that i couldn't deny who i was and keep quiet about it.  there was a political turmoil in the United Methodist Church at the time. I came down on one side and the majority of my parishioners came down on the other.  as a pastor i knew better than to state my point of view - it would be career suicide. but i also learned that i wasn't too happy about having to keep my views hidden.  so, for that and a host of other reasons - one of which being the undeniable fact that i was questioning the divinity of Jesus, i left the ministry.

and in the 8 years since i've left my questioning is over. at least on that one issue. i've realized over the last 8 years that i've never been one to feel that personal relationship with jesus that everyone talks about. i loved reading the stories and what it's come to is this: what i've always been inspired by is the person that jesus was on earth. the radicalness, the compassion, the longing to reach out to the outcast and the downtrodden.  the questioning of authority and rules and the search for a better way. that's the jesus i grew up with. it never really was about whether or not he was the son of god. that's never really mattered to me.

when keith began searching years ago he found judaism. he's gone back and forth with it for over 10 years and finally converted last summer. i was adamant that i would come to services and raise our children jewish but that i wouldn't convert. but something just clicked for me.  i felt like i had finally found my home. the people are warm. the services are meaningful. everything just feels right and i really want to be a part of this community.  i guess i'm yearning to make it official. it's funny... when keith started on his journey i kept saying he didn't have to convert to be a part of the community. he felt like he did. now i get that.  it just makes it more real i guess.

so that's the story... in a rather large nutshell.

people in the jewish community see keith and i as an oddity. a wildly fascinating oddity, but an oddity nonetheless. i guess it's interesting enough that keith converted and that i'm on the path to convert (july 31st!). but, when they find out that i used to be a minister all bets are off.  i can't really blame them. it is odd.  i mean, it's such a dramatic change in theology and practice that i imagine it is hard to understand.

regardless, i met with my rabbi last week to talk about the conversion ceremony and finalize details. when i got there he wasn't ready so i waited with a 12 year old in the waiting area.  when he came out he told her she was early and could she give us a few minutes.  sure, she said. he told her she could go to the library and read or watch tv or grab a beer.

and as we walked back to his office i said "you'd never hear that in a church. even in jest, you'd never hear a minister tell a 12 year old to grab a beer."  really, he said. and it led to a discussion about my observations. because, the more i learn the more i can't help but compare it to christianity as i knew it.

we wouldn't have alcohol anywhere in church. unless it was communion (but not really even then because we methodists love our grape juice).  a few weeks ago we had a huge celebration for our Executive Director at temple, who is retiring after 28 years of service. great food and conversation and... an open bar. you'd never see that in a church.  it's such a different approach. 

my rabbi suggested i write a book. he said the jewish people would embrace a book that talks about judaism in a positive light. and i've given it some thought and i'd like to do that. so... to start... i'm going to start blogging my thoughts so i can see what i really have in the way of material.

so this is the beginning - the whole take on alcohol. it's everywhere in jewish life. it's at the seder table (jews are commanded to drink 4 glasses of wine at the seder - it's a mitzvah).  it's at celebrations. the kiddush is recited in temples on friday evenings and saturday mornings over wine.  whenever we've been invited to a shabbat dinner it's there.  and no one seems to have hang up's about it. 

i've always wondered about that. my husband let loose when he hit high school and college and drank like a fish. he grew up with parents who never drank and created such a taboo around it that i wonder if he just went crazy when he finally had the opportunity to partake. it's the same way with christianty on some levels. there's a level of "sinfulness" attached to drinking.

and i surely don't condone drunkenness and alcoholism and the lack of moderation, but when one can drink in moderation i don't see the problem. i just don't see the sin. 

for the jews that i've met alcohol seems to just be a part of life - a part of the celebration. and that makes all the sense in the world to me.

time for me to get my act together and lose weight.  i'm about 50 pounds overweight and it's weighing (ha, nice pun) heavily on me.  i want to set a better example for my children and i want to be a healthier person.

so, i signed up to run a 5K on September 14th. I've been saying I want to do it forever, but I never have. i've taken the plunge and there's no looking back. so tomorrow i start running and eating better.

and i figure i'll journal here about it in the hopes that it will keep my momentum going.

i'm excited to see who's being hiding underneath all of this weight!

12 years ago yesterday i married your son. it was a beautiful spring evening. we both had tears in our eyes. so did both of you. it was one of the happiest days of my life. i had always felt so lucky to be a part of your family and to have you call me daughter.  making it official meant so much.

for the most part i've felt blessed to know you both. you've offered us such wisdom and love, something i've never really received from my own parents.  we've had our up's and down's over the years but the last 3 or so have been pretty tough. so much so that i am now in a place where i've come to dread visiting you or answering your calls.

i'm not for small talk and i'm not one for pretending that things are fine when they aren't. from what i've seen over the past 12 years that's how this family operates. we don't want to upset carole so we don't say anything about how we really feel. i came from that kind of passivity. it's what prolonged the abuse i suffered at the hands of my father - the fear of upsetting my mother or the family or the applecart.  and since i spoke out about that it's been hard for me to not keep speaking out. i believe in honesty and truth in relationships. i believe in saying what i feel and hearing what someone else feels. it's been unbelievably difficult for me to hold my tongue.

but i have... because, in actuality you're not my parents and i'm not your daughter. the only thing holding us together is keith and our children. and for him, i have held my tongue and played nice.

i told him this evening that i couldn't do it anymore. for me, but more importantly for jordin and for eric. i don't want them to be made to feel the way i have and if i have anything to say about it they won't. 

it's obvious that you cannot get past keith's conversion, and my impending conversion to judaism. it's obvious that it means more to you to be "right" and have us follow in your footsteps than to be happy and at peace. it's obvious that instead of sitting down with us and trying to come to some kind of resolution you will continue to "not understand" the laws of kosher, not understand the prayers that eric says before dinner and insist that it wasn't only jews that were exterminated during the holocaust. you will continue to serve meals that contain meat and dairy and insist that because it's on a separate plate it's ok. and if it isn't it's just crazy.  you will continue to act like eric's speaking a different language when he says "hear israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Blessed be the name of His glorious kingdom forever and ever," even though, as christians you should know that this is right out of Deuteronomy, a part of the Old Testamant which is still a portion of the Bible that Christians read from weekly in church.  and you will conitnue to forget that yes, non-Jew's were killed during the holocaust but it was a systematic campaign against the Jewish people.  6 million Jews were lost to us.  that far beats the tally for any other group.  and you will continue to make comments under your breath to the effect of "i just don't know where we went wrong."

for the past 10 years i watched your son struggle with religion. i watched him go to churches and temples, to meeting houses and people's homes trying to figure out where he fits in. i watched him read book after book after book looking for answers.  i've seen him talk to ministers and rabbi's, jews and christians and aetheists trying to find meaning. and i watched this struggle tear him apart inside. i've seen his tears and his anger and his rock-bottom depression.  for 10 years i have watched this. and SO HAVE YOU. you've seen it all, just as i have.

for the past year he hasn't struggled at all. for the past year he's deepened his faith in God. he's tried to be a better father and husband (and while he's still trying he is making strides). he's prayed everyday and he sits down with eric and prays every day. he talks to our son about God in a way he never could have before and he encourages eric to ask questions about judaism and faith and God. for the first time in our 12 years of marriage he is truly at peace with his spirituality. he has found something that gives his life meaning and hope and joy. 

and because it's judaism you can't handle it. because it's judaism you can't understand it. what clicked for me tonight was that it truly seems that you would rather he be unhappy and depressed and struggling rather than be a Jew.  i cannot even comprehend wanting that for my children. i cannot comprehend the joy i'd like to think i'd feel if eric or jordin had struggled as keith did and finally found something healthy and good that put and end to it.

and... because of that... i cannot allow this to continue without saying this. if it continues your time with my children will become memories. i will not knowingly expose them to bigotry and hatred or to anti-semitism. i know it exists and i know it's out there. and i know they will encounter it. but i will not allow it to come from their family - their grandparents - people that should love them at all costs regardless of where they worship. i will not allow them to grow up and spend time with people who think differently of them because they are being raised Jewish. I will not allow them to believe they are "less than" because grandma and grandpa have made them feel that way. it will not happen. not on my watch. 

unfortunately, my respect for you has gone. i do not trust you. and right now, i do not like you. i love you both. you have done so much for us but if i had my choice i'd sever ties. right now. until you can get to a place where you can talk to us about this civily. i would welcome the opportunity to hear you out because you have a right to be heard. but this is who we are now. you will have to accept it or risk losing your only child, your "daughter" and your grandchildren.

** i have no idea what i'm going to do with this. it's doubtful i'll send it to them as keith's not ready for me to wage this war yet. but i had to get this out. i don't know how much longer i can turn a blind eye to this. not when it could potentially impact jmy kids.

my friend vangie lost her husband mike, affectionately known as grump, this week to cancer.  if i remember correctly it started out as lung cancer.  he was treated. did well and then... things went downhill.  i met vangie through a website of people who wanted to quit smoking.  i started going there about 8 years ago when i had decided to quit.  i'm not sure when vangie joined but it's been so long none of that really seems to matter.

i guess there's about 50 or so of us who still maintain contact through a website or two.  we talk, we help each other stay quit, we help those who are struggling with staying quit and we help those of us who haven't quit but really want to.  and we fuck around and and talk about everything else in the world and in our lives.

a few months back we lost faye to complications due to COPD and smoking. she was a good egg and one of own kept in touch with her husband while faye was sick and gave us updates. when she passed we were heartbroken. when mike passed we were just as heartbroken.

smoking sucks. period. it robs people of their lives. it robs us of our loved ones. it robs spouses and partners, children and parents, friends and lovers. it robs us all and gives nothing in return.

mike's death has gotten me thinking. keith has been smoking for 17 years now.  he's tried to quit a few times but has rarely made it longer than a few days. i'm not sure he really wants to quit. but i want him to. i'm more and more terrified that it's going to kill him. and he's more and more clueless it seems. 

so, i guess mike's death has me thinking about vangie and wondering if i'll be her in 5, 10 or 20 years from now - missing my husband and wishing to God that neither one of us had ever started smoking. man, i don't want to be that person but i guess i'm starting to resign myself to it.  i can't force him to quit. i can't force him to see the potential consequences on himself, on me or on our two beautiful children. i can only take care of myself.  and face the fact that we may not be able to grow old together. 

mike, i know vangie misses you. vangie, i know mike knows how much you love him and closely you hold him in your heart.  my heart is with you.

Whose house (besides your own) were you in last and why?

sandy's - to pick up jordin from daycare. not real exciting, but there it is.

and i'm hideously slow at responding. so, without further ado...

8 random things...

The rules:

1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.
3. At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment on their blog and tell them they’ve been tagged, and to come back and read your blog for the whole story.

Here are my 8 random things...

1.  i'm thinking about mcdonald's for dinner. i know i shouldn't eat it. i know it's horrible, but keith won't be home tonight and eric loves it. it's just easy.

2.  my office is cleaner than it's been for months and after 3 weeks of feeling behind on everything i finally feel like i've caught up. i wonder how long that will last?

3.  why can't i seem to go to bed before 11?  i used to be in bed between 9 and 10. always. and now... i'm wide awake.

4.  we just booked Huber's farm for eric's 6th birthday party.  we'll have a bounce house and a hayride and cake. it'll be fun and a lot cheaper than some of those mass produced party places.

5.  here's a habit.. i'm obsessive about keeping the kitchen island clear of mail. it makes me crazy to have it sitting there for days and days and days.

6.  i can't imagine not having children. keith and i often sit around and wonder what we did before they came along.

7.  we've been thinking about our next car. we were learning towards a minivan. now we're thinking about a prius.

and....

8.  i love my blackberry. love, love, love it.

my taggers:  felicia, steff, kathi, heleen, patricia and kristen (i don't have enough neighbors).

going through the cycle of Jewish holidays has been insightful for me. we were just starting to really get into all of this last year when pesach came around. so we held our own seder with a few friends (non-Jew's).  we did what we could with what we had. this year i was hoping we would get an invite to someone's home as we have gotten to know more people at Temple. And.. we received invitations for both nights. 

how exciting it all was.  two very different groups of people - with two relatively different and yet, alike seders. because... the story is still the same.  i thoroughly enjoyed it both times. hearing the story of the exodus, reliving the plagues (complete with frogs and bugs and hats donned with plagues - i was darkness on the first night), understanding how life must have been for our ancestors and getting to know more about the story of the Jews. 

and now.. it continues. giving up levened products has been more difficult than i could have imagined. it permeates everything. and i'm hungry.  when i mentioned it to a friend at work she said "doesn't it really help you to understand what it must have been like?" it does. definitely. it's a good remembrance for me and it keeps me mindful of what my ancestors went through in order that i could be here now in a world where i can be free.

the more i experience the more right it all feels.

Show us a sign that baseball season has started.

plus:  the first line in the sun's article on the Oriole's getting ready for opening day...

Here's the challenge facing the 2008 Orioles: How do you sell fans on a team that has had 10 straight losing seasons, has traded two of its biggest stars and has seen attendance dwindle with the club's on-field fortunes?

10 straight losing seasons? that's just sad. sad, sad, sad. blah.

What indulgence always makes your grocery list?

lately it's been vanilla almond special K. in general, it's cereal - i'm not a fan of generic brands. just doesn't taste right to me.  i like the name brands on my cereal. but... back to the vanilla almond. i love it. love, love, love it.